too bad you live with your parents still
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Of course I have a pirate flag
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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