It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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