she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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