Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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