We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
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