i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
she smelled like a LAN party
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
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