I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Randomize
