Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
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