Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
