I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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