I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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