I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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