I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
