I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
