After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
