you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
