Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
