i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Randomize
