I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
