I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Randomize
