i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
