Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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