um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Randomize
