So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Randomize
