The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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