Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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