I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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