Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
Randomize
