for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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