We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
He kissed a someone with a penis
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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