i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
