What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Randomize
