Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
