everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
The beer is more important than you right now.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Randomize
