giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
