Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
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