having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
my liver is dry heaving
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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