I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Randomize
