just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Randomize
