and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Randomize
