Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
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