can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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