you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
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