it's too hot outside to masturbate.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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