I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
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