i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Randomize