there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
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