I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
