I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
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