my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
She told me I should be a condom model.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
