he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Randomize
