Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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