My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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