Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
