Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
