He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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