LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
